Monday, July 28, 2014

I am a widow.  I don't like the  word, or maybe it is what it means, what it stands for that I do not like.  My husband died in 2005  We were the loves of each other's lives.  Our romance was really like a fairy tale  he was my Prince and a prince of a man he was indeed.  He died of lung cancer and most of me died with him  I struggled with the grief and sorrow and lonliness.  I walked through that dark long tunnel and I now have come out the other side and back into the light

I probably will talk about my journey here but I am really trying to figure out my life as it stands right  now.  The future I wanted, the one I worked and looked forward to is no longer possible.  I know that, and it did come as a shock when I realized the truth of those words.  I am at a loss.  I had the life I wanted and was working on a future I was looking forward to living.  That is all gone but what now?

My husband and family were my entire life  With my daughter grown and him gone that life was also gone.  I spent a lot of time on a journey to heal my spirit which was wounded almost beyond repair.  I also knew that going forward I needed to have a past that was not only about my dead husband.  I wanted to heal and be happy and I worked to try and survive the pain and grief and build a new life for myself where I could be happy.  That has worked out pretty well for the most part and I will talk about that here too

But what I am trying to figure out is the what now part.  I have a few new friends and some activities that keep me out and about and I love that.  I have found new talents and those are starting to be recognized.  I have a calm to my spirit I never really had before and have found a path to walk on tis earth that makes my spirit full.

So what is the problem?  I am in the now  but I cannot see a future.  I always could see that this was coming or I wanted or needed to this or to get to a certain point but I have done all of that now.  I had a job I liked and a husband I adored.  I had/have a small but nice and comfy house.  I had my little girl and watched her grow up  She graduated High School and then College and then got married.  Now she has children and I became Grandma to my everlasting delight.  The kids are growing up now and while still young they do not need Grandma like they once did and very soon now there will be no time for old grandma in their busy budding young lives.  So what comes after Grandma?  I dont know but here I am.  I can't do what I had hoped and that was to be with my husband when we finally had time to be together  That was it  That was my big future ambition.  now its gone. the deepest part of the grieving is over.  I have a back to normal life that I had prayed for, one that is not totally consumed with sorrow, pain and simply trying to survive from one hour to the next.  I can really say that I am happy and at times very happy but.... it still feels like part of something that is over or ending  like this is the last part of the trip through the tunnel.  I am out of it and its presence fades and falls back into the past  I am not daily dealing with just trying to breath around the knife in my chest  I think I have survived but,  Now What?